How to Find Happiness Within Yourself - The Essential Guide
“Look within yourself. Within is the fountain of goodness. Always ready to gush forth. If you will always dig for it” - Marcus Aurelius
We've about talked about true happiness —happiness that endures —does not come from external things. Instead, it comes from making the right use of things. It comes from incorporating things into your life with wisdom. Here I talk about how you can use this insight to find happiness within yourself and the world all around you by both appreciating the good and improving the not-so good.
We can make more concrete two distinct sources of happiness in life:
1. Appreciating the Good Things in Life
2. Making the Not-So-Good Things in Life Better
Sources of Happiness
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1. Appreciating the Good in Life
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The most straightforward way of becoming happier is by incorporating good things into your life in a way that consciously appreciates how they benefit and so are good. Like when we enjoy taking the time to enjoy something pleasant and good (drink a good cup of coffee, read a good book, have good sex)
Let’s take a look at what this consists of:
1. We incorporate something good into our life (drink a good cup of coffee, read a good book, have good sex)
2. We consciously notice the way the good. If we don’t pay attention to the coffee while we drink it, absent-mindedly sipping at it while we work, we don’t enjoy it (the same goes for absently skimming over the lines or not being present during intimacy)
3. We appreciate how incorporating good things into our life benefits us. This goes beyond paying attention and noticing it. It consists of appreciating it for what it is (a delicious energizing drink, a riveting intellectual work, an amazing physical connection with another)
4. The conscious appreciation of good things in our lives and the way they benefit us causes to be happy. Our appreciation of the conscious experience of good things yields happiness at the experience because living this experience fills life with goodness—even if it’s only the goodness of a cup of coffee.
Basically: noticing and appreciating the way good things in our life benefit us and fill our life with goodness causes us to be happy about living. The more we notice and appreciate about our own lives and ourselves, the happier we can become.
But of course, there are not only good things in life. There are also not-so-good things, shitty things. But you can draw happiness from these too by making the right use of them.
2. Making the Not-So-Good in Life Better
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Another way of becoming happier is by incorporating not-so-good things into your life in a way that makes them better, thereby turning problems into opportunities for growth that benefit you when you take them.
Another way of becoming happier is by incorporating not-so-good things into your life in a way that makes them better, thereby turning problems into opportunities for growth that benefit you when you take them. Like when you triumph over an unexpected challenge that is thrust upon you (for example, having to unexpectedly give a presentation for a sick colleague or help a friend in need in the middle of the night).
Let’s take a look at what this consists of:
1. We notice that something is less-than-awesome but block this negativity with perspective and gratitude (like when you appreciate that you at least have a job and that you can help out a colleague in their time of need or think about how grateful you would be if the situation were reversed and your friend came to help you.
2. We shift our focus and reframe to find an empowering meaning (like when you decide to see the impromptu presentation as an exciting professional challenge or helping a friend as a curious opportunity for you to grow closer).
3. We take action according to this empowering meaning to make things better. By taking action to incorporate these lesson(s) into life and grow from the experience that we actually turn adversity into growth and thereby benefit from it. Like when you develop your presentation skills by helping your colleague
4. We appreciate how we’ve turned tragedy and adversity into wisdom and growth. By noticing and appreciating that we have made that which was not-so-good better, we feel happy at having benefitted from it. By overcoming, growing and therefore benefitting from adversity, we make it good! Not everything in this world is good. But everything is waiting to be made good! All you have to do is find the wisdom way to benefit from it!
Does this mean that we need external good and bad things to be happy? No, it’s really about the process from within of making the best of anything the world throws your way, good and bad. And we can engage in this process independently of our external circumstances. There are always things inside of us that we can appreciate and that we can improve.
“To live happily is an inward power of the soul” - Aristotle
Finding Happiness Within​
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The insight is that happiness is not about getting things but about the process, the way of interacting with everything around you. This includes all external things but what’s inside of us.
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Let me emphasize this thought, for it is incredibly powerful: all the raw materials you need for happiness are inside of you. The good thing that we can appreciate and the not-so-good things we can improve are always already there within us! And the tools for turning these raw materials into intense joy and happiness are within you as well! You just need to cultivate these key skills!
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1. Noticing and Appreciating What Is Good Within You
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What can you find within that you can appreciate and that can make you happy? There are many things. You can find them by asking the right questions, like:
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-Are you good at something?
-Are you generous?
-Are you courageous?
-Are you insightful?
-Are you compassionate?
-Are you determined?
-Are you creative?
-Are you a good friend?
-Are you a good parent and/or child?
-Do you love people in your life?
-Do you make people smile?
-Do you help people when they need a hand?
-Do you appreciate the beauty in nature?
-Do you appreciate the beauty in others?
-Do you have good ideas?
-Do you laugh from the bottom of your heart?
These (and many others) are all internal qualities you might have, qualities that can make you happy about yourself if you take the time to notice and appreciate them. You may have to dive deep to find the good within you at times, but if you keep digging, you'll find something
2. Accepting but Improving What Is Not-So-Good Within You
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Just as we can always find things that are awesome within us, we can always find things within us that are not-so-good or that can be even better! It is always within our power to recognize the ways we fall short, to accept that we can do better, and to improve.
When you look at the ways you fall short, do not make the mistake of focusing too much on your flaws, beating yourself up. That is a terrible trap that can be all too easy to fall into. After all, if you beat yourself up, that shows you care, right? You care enough to hurt yourself for falling short. But that *only* hurts you. It debilitates you and makes you unhappy without helping you improve.
The key is to look at your shortcomings not as flaws to lament, but as opportunities for further improvement. By doing so, you can accept how you fall short and can do better with compassion but without complacency. By doing so, you can honestly accept how you can be better, and then work to become better. This, in turn, will make you happy.
Here are some examples of questions you can ask yourself to find things within you, about the way you think and interact with the world that you can work to make better and thereby become happier.
Ask yourself the following questions
-How can I be more generous?
-How can I be more considerate?
-How can I be kinder?
-How can I work harder?
-How can I work smarter?
-How can I become more resilient?
-How can I learn from my past mistakes?
-How can I contribute more to the people around me?
-How can I contribute more to the world in general?
-How can I grow even more?
-How can I become even better at what I’m already good at?
-How can I get even more out of my days?
-Am I neglecting any talents that I could be cultivating?
-What are some skills that I could polish?
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These (and many others) are all possible improvements you might make in yourself, improvements that will make you happy with yourself if you take the time to bring them about in you.
So we can draw happiness in these two ways (appreciating the good and improving the not-so-good) from that which is within us, no matter what’s going on outside.
This is just the start, though! We can draw happiness not only from what is within us but from what is in everyone else and the world all around us. These might be external things, but our ability to benefit from them (and the happiness that results) comes from within, from giving them the right place in our lives.
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Making the Best of Everything Around You
Take the time to cultivate a next-level of appreciation for the good things all around you. Really look at the food you eat. What good can you notice in its colors? Its texture? Its aromas? Its flavors? What can you appreciate in it? What about it makes you happy to be alive and be able to enjoy it? You can do the same not just for food bu for coffee, wine, or any other drink! Every bite and every sip is a verse that you can enjoy in the wonderful symphony of flavors, aromas, and textures that is a meal and/or drink.
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What about the room around you? All too often our busy lives lead us to live in a world of mere outlines where we fail to appreciate the rich detail of everything that we have, even what is around us every day. Take the time, notice how the shapes and colors come together, how the light reflects off different parts of the room at different times of day. What about nature outside? Take the time to look for what you can notice and appreciate.
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What about the people around you? If a person you’re interacting with seems rude or boring, chances are you’re not paying close enough attention to the details of the unfathomable story they carry on their backs. Look closer. Are they funny, witty, or talented in some way? Are they shy but hiding rich secrets within them? Are they suffering and are in need of compassion? When you look closer, you’ll be surprised by the richness you can find.
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What about your own past? What are some personal milestones you’ve accomplished? What are some professional goals you’ve reached? What heartfelt compliments have you received from loved ones, colleagues, or even strangers? Take the time to notice them and review them. Try writing them down on a piece of paper that you can access whenever you're feeling down about yourself.
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All around us, there are examples of beauty, creativity, inspiration, joy, life, and triumph. To help you cultivate this next-level of appreciation, you can look at my post on key changes​ in mindsets you can take to be happier with what is around you.
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Similarly, take the time to cultivate a next-level acuity for what can be improved all around you.
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Can you organize your desk or kitchen in a way that will make you more productive? Can you get more out of your resting spaces by taking away things that remind you of work?
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What about others around you? What are some ways they fall short? Don't make it your business to tell others everything they're doing wrong! But still, notice ways in which they could be better so that you can share with them in a moment of honesty and care if you're close enough with people. But if not, you can at least use this as warning posts so that you might not be astray in similar ways, even if you can't do anything about them.
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What about your own past? What are some mistakes you've made or failures you've had to endure? Are there any lessons you can draw from them that you can put into action so that you will do better in the future?
Conclusion
Here I’ve shared with you two essential ways to find happiness within yourself. You can notice and appreciate the good in you to become happier. And you can accept but improve the not-so-good in you.
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When we cultivate these skills, we can learn to draw happiness from everything around us, the good and the not-so good.
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To bring even more detail and get even more out of your appreciation of the good things in your life, you can use a unique journaling technique I've developed that can help you gather data and information on why what makes you happiest makes you so happy. To help you do this, I'm attaching a special Mining the Mountaintop Tool I've created so you can get the most out of your happiest memories and make them make you even happier. To get it, just sign up and enter your email!
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When you sign up, you'll also get my Guide to Calibrating a Good Life Compass that you can use to figure out which ways of living will bring you lasting happiness as well as some Core Mindsets that you can use to Live a Happier Life with More Meaning and Joy!
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Here's to Your Finding Happiness Within and All Around!
Santi
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